SHOW IS OVER!

I'm seated in a lecture hall at 3:00 pm on a Friday...that in itself is annoying. Not that I have plans for Friday night...but I mean...it's Friday. Maybe I am a campus brat after all. The lecturer is new...and I'm listening very keenly...not because he's explaining a very difficult concept but because it's what we criminology students do...treat every first lecture like an investigation...observe...interrogate...analyze and draw conclusions.

This particular lecturer speaks very softly and so I am more attentive than ever. He goes on and on about the relationship between crime and social development...throwing in a random joke here and there, most of which I don't get because my brain is annoyingly slow at processing jokes and finding humour especially when I'm trying to concentrate. I always end up getting it of course, but a few seconds after everyone has stopped laughing and so to avoid unnecessary attention, I pretend that it is not funny. Anyway, back to class...somehow we diverge into a discussion on culture and crime and he's giving examples of how some criminal behaviour is culturally acceptable. One is cattle rustling...where basically pastoral communities steal livestock from their neighbouring communities as a way of provoking them. "It's like a sport...it's just a game," he says. Of course, opinionated as I am, I want to push back...but I don't. I choose to focus on my main goal...observe...analyze and draw conclusions. The lecture then morphs into an in-depth explanation of traditional marriage practices among the Luo community. How we got there, I have no idea, but it's rather interesting and I'm curious to see how he will link traditional marriage practices and crime and social development, so at this point, I'm more attentive than ever. In a nutshell, traditionally, among the Luo, it was taboo for a girl who is getting married to leave her father's house willingly. Don't get me wrong, the institution of marriage was highly respected and celebrated...but the girl had to make it look like she wasn't willing to leave her home even if she was happy to get married. Confusing...I know...but stay with me...let me break it down for you so you get a clearer picture. A young man identifies his bride...gathers up a few old men...approaches the girl's father...asks for her hand...they negotiate on the bride price and if they agree...the marriage is on. The girl is informed that a husband has been found(no one is asking her anything...it's more like...just so you know...you got married) But I'll try to save the rest of my comments for later. I said I'll try...but I'm not making any promises. So the girl waits. The "bridegroom" stages a kidnap. Rounds up a few men, not old ones this time, strong young men. They go to the bride's home, mostly at night or very early in the morning...so she's probably asleep and they "forcefully" take her away. She knows exactly what is going on but whether she actually wants to get married or not, she's supposed to wail and scream and offer much resistance so no one says she left her father's house willingly. According to my lecturer, if she realizes that she is stronger than the men...and actually able to overpower them...she ought to take it down a notch...you know...keep the show going. Did I mention that sometimes the young men, upon entering the girl's homestead would brag about how strong and awesome they were? And so they take her to her husband's home, probably in another village. I wonder if they stop the act once they leave the girl's village and just walk, chatting and laughing because otherwise, assuming most villages would be like 5 kilometres apart, that would be an awfully exhausting journey. Anyway, once she entered her husband's hut, traditionally known as, "Simba", she was a married woman, and in those days, divorce wasn't really a thing...it was taboo to even talk about it. So this seventeen-year old's life was already pre-determined. Be a good wife, bear children...work...make wealth for your new family...if your husband dies, you get inherited by a close male relative...his brother...his handsome cousin if you're lucky. Anyway...the point my lecturer is trying to make is...in a culturally acceptable way of conducting marriage...it is possible to identify numerous offences and human rights violations. Okay...so...Faith...thank you for the history lesson...much appreciated...so the marriage ceremony was a circus...what's the point? I'm getting to that in just a moment...try to stay with me. So...girls were supposed to act like they did not want to get married even when they were dying too. Their no was supposed to mean yes. When a girl said no, she meant yes, or so society dictated. So years later, husbands are no longer chosen for girls, young men approach the girl, not her father...dating and courtship have become a thing. The girl has a choice. But there's a problem...society dictates that she should say no to something she actually wants. Openly admitting that she wants to be with someone, saying yes, is frowned upon. "She's loose" that's the narrative you hear. And don't get it twisted...I'm not talking about sexual relations here, so bring your mind back to class. So...here I am...a young woman...getting attention from every Tom, Dick and Harry. I like Tom, Dick and Harry not so much. I can't say yes to Tom...I have a reputation to preserve...so I'll tell him, no, and hopefully, he'll interpret it to mean yes. What will I tell Dick and Harry? No...? What if they interpret it to mean yes? After all, it's supposed to look like I'm being forced? That's what good girls do. It's meant to look like I have a choice...but do I really have a choice? I'm caught up in a blend of traditional and modern ridiculousness. We're still in class. Remember, for girls, according to culture, no means yes. A lot of us are very confused at this point... And then boom...someone who I won't mention( I don't want my own blog to be used as evidence incriminating me for murder) says, "If girls mean yes when they say no, that explains why some of them are raped. Because she might be saying no...but she means yes." Yeah...those words actually came out of the mouth of someone who in a few short years will be part of the criminal justice system, handling rape cases. There's a little bit of laughter...but your girl Faith once again isn't getting the joke...only that this particular joke is one I'd rather not get...ever! If you know me...you can imagine the glare I'm giving this person...the words running through my mind are probably not glorifying God. I have this city I've built in my mind...at that particular moment, I'm getting arrested for aggravated assault. Relax...I'm not a violent person...just my brain. And it's easy to say, "chill Faith...things have changed...that's in the past...nowadays...girls can speak up for themselves..." But do you actually believe that? Maybe it's true for some girls, maybe in some societies, women have been given a seat at the table, but not in mine. Whenever I sit down with a group of girls, whether it's my girls in the tea villages or my peers here at the University...there is always a heartbreaking tale of discrimination, abuse and violence on the basis of gender. Things might have changed...but we are not there yet. And a lot of us might have already given up on the idea that we'll ever get there...but I haven't...you shouldn't. Every single day that passes I realize how not okay things are. I thought that in an institution of higher learning with relatively reasonable gender ratios we wouldn't have much to worry about. But the realities of domestic violence, sex for grades or even to get internship opportunities are alarming. We need to stop pretending. Maybe, just maybe...you and I are putting up a show...and we need to drop the act!